Nous Bohemian

Caught in the Disquiet

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Confessions of a Bohemian
I am a fan of the tv show on Sci Fi, “ Dead like me”. A fan for some very basic reasons as to why most are.

But what draws me the most is that is is narrated in first person by George. The unfortunate teen that died from impact by a flaming toilet seat screaming down from the sky.

I have pretty much led my life, as far back as childhood as best I can tell, narrating my own life most of the time too. As I grew older this became more frequent. I had the fantasy of being watched. Not that paranoid, the government is out to get me sort of watched, but the literal sense as being on a sit com…or a movie…or a character in a book.

Not sure how this “sensation” developed. Perhaps talking to myself all of the time, either in play or just for company contributed to it. I was alone a lot. My siblings were grown and out of the house for the majority of my childhood.

I also hid in my room and preferred to be alone. Mostly so I didn’t have to be subject to the whims of not-so-perfect parents.

Either way, it came to be from that I am sure. As I grew and my imagination grew more complex- with detailed storylines and a cast of supporting characters-
Normally one gives up such fancy as they get older. Mostly because society convinces them it is not normal.

I guess I never really did believe that idea of normalcy. Of course this occupying thought came to be an obsessive one and maybe a Delusional belief. The jury is still out on that one.

Often I have tried to argue with myself that it was NOT real and I shouldn’t be doing it…so not to become one of those crazy people on the street yelling at themselves.

Well, I do keep that to the privacy of my home. Anyway…..

I find comfort in thinking there is a script, or a plot and I am a character. Maybe it is the same comfort more conventional people have in believing in some supreme deity and/or a destiny or fate.

The old “ Everything happens for a reason”..or if you prefer the more Buddhist way of thinking..” All is as it should be”.
I kind of prefer the latter anyway. It has even become so “popular” to be shared and commented on by those who get close to me. They start using the reference of scriptwriters, or an author, a studio audience.

It is sort of like believing yourself to be Truman..but knowing all the time there is a camera somewhere.

Does this make me delusional? Does it make me immature?
Or does it make me like any other religious person? Then again, I think many of them are rather nuts.

I like having my running dialogue..
Strangely enough I thought I would love live journaling more because of this penchant of being heard , like most people.

Not really so much. Why? Simple ego I guess. I am not the star of the show ; the main character in the book.

A good plot device! * grins*

Until next time.

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I like "Dead like me" too and am sad that they canceled it! But you know you are the star of your show a.k.a. life! Especially here in LJ, this is your world, you create it with your thoughts and words. Here you can be anybody you want and have a life that you always dreamed of (yeah it is a fantasy life but still no one will know). Since no one REALLY knows anyone on this medium then you can be and do things you always wanted to do or be. Heck I thought you were a guy for the longest time till you confessed otherwise (you make a great guy by the way)! But don't worry about what others think it is your life and others do not have the right to try and live it for you! Just remember what Shakespeare said "The world is but a stage and we are all actors"!

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